Dating, Relationships, and Attachment Styles

It makes sense that the way we were cared for as babies influences the way we behave in later relationships. Attachment Theory has identified three main styles in which people approach intimacy in romantic relationships: Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant.

Art by René Margritte - The Lovers/ 1928

Basically, secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving; anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back; avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.

Initially it was assumed that these attachment styles were primarily a product of our upbringing. But how about the major impact our adult romantic relationships have had on us? Dating and relationships are hard and can be traumatizing. They can also be incredibly healing. Thus, our attachment styles can change as a result of these experiences.

Which attachment style do you identify with? Hint: If you're "anxious," you may be attracted to "avoidants" and vice-versa, often resulting in an unhealthy cycle for both parties.

If you don't resonate with either of the others, default to "secure."

Avoidant Attachment

≫ Describes Me? ≪⁣⁣

⁣My independence is more important to me than my relationships⁣

I miss my partner when we're apart, but then when we're together I feel the need to escape⁣⁣

My partners often want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being ⁣

I sometimes feel angry or annoyed with my partner without knowing why⁣⁣

I prefer casual sex with uncommitted partners to intimate sex with one person⁣⁣

I hate feeling that other people depend on me⁣⁣

≫ Describes My Partner / The People I'm Attracted To? ≪⁣⁣

⁣Value their independence greatly - "My work takes up so much time there's no room for relationship" ⁣Plans are left unclear, like when you will meet again, move in together. Send mixed signals⁣⁣

Have difficulty talking about what's going on between you. Certain topics are off-limits⁣⁣

During a disagreement, need to get away - get up and walk out⁣

Have an unrealistically romantic view of how a relationship should be ⁣

≫ Do you recognize any of these behaviors in yourself or in the people you're attracted to? ≪⁣⁣

Anxious Attachment

≫ Describes Me? ≪ ⁣

I think about my relationships a lot⁣

I tend to get very quickly attached to a romantic partner⁣

I am very sensitive to my partner's moods⁣

I often worry that my partner will stop loving me or that I'm not attractive enough⁣

When I'm not involved in a relationship, I feel somewhat anxious & incomplete⁣

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≫ Describes My Partner / The People I'm Attracted To? ≪

They worry about rejection - Ask a lot of questions about your past partners

Try hard to please you. Let you set the tone in the relationship

Want a lot of closeness - want to spend all your time together⁣

Suspicious you may be unfaithful. Hypervigilant about your whereabouts⁣

Take things very personally - you come home tired and don't want to talk = "You don't love me anymore"

They are preoccupied with the relationship - call or text a lot, hash out every detail of your dates with their friends⁣

≫ Do you recognize any of these behaviors in yourself or in the people you're attracted to? ≪⁣

Ideas from "Attached" by Amir Levine

Our Internalized Loyal Soldier

"Each of us has a 'loyal soldier' sub-personality, a courageous, creative, and stubborn entity formed to help us survive the realities of childhood.

The loyal soldier attempted to minimize the occurrence of injury by making us small or invisible and suppressing much of our natural exuberance, emotions, and desires so that we might be sufficiently acceptable to our parents, siblings, teachers, and peers.

Common loyal soldier survival strategies include:

- Harsh self-criticism to make us feel small and unworthy and thus keep us from doing anything too wild that might elicit further punishment, abandonment, or criticism

- Placing our personal agenda last so as to not displease or arouse anger or envy

- Other co-dependent behaviors, such as care-taking, rescuing, or enabling to stave off abandonment

- Restricting our range of feeling by encouraging us to always be in control, busy, and/or numb

- Suppressing our intelligence, talent, enthusiasm, sensuality, and wildness

The loyal soldier believes that it is better to be suppressed or inauthentic or small than socially isolated or emotionally crushed.

The loyal soldier did in fact keep us safe in childhood. The problem is these strategies become ingrained in our functioning, even after the threats are over. And not only are they no longer helping us, they become an obstacle to growth."

In what ways does your loyal soldier show up?

- By choosing social acceptance over authenticity?

- By avoiding conflict or fear of upsetting/disappointing people?

- By going along with the crowd because it’s easier or because you don't know what you truly want?

- By avoiding unnecessary risks?

- By suppressing your hurt or anger?

- By suppressing your natural gifts because you don't want to stand out?

When you notice yourself enacting any of these strategies, try thanking your loyal soldier for protecting you during the war, and remind her that the war is over.

Tell her what you’ll do in place of the old strategies, and remind yourself of the new resources available to handle any new crises that might arise along the way.

It's time to retire your loyal soldier!

- Bill Plotkin

Shouldn't I Be Happier?

ANY OF THESE HIT A NERVE?

Face House, Kyoto by Kazumasa Yamashita

- I'm depressed or sad for no apparent reason. ⁣

- I don't know what I feel or what I want.⁣

- It’s hard for me to ask for help.⁣

- I’m very hard on myself.⁣

- Shouldn't I feel happier than I do?⁣

- I feel numb and empty inside.⁣

- I tend to push down my feelings or avoid them. ⁣

- I expect rejection from people. If I let them get too close, they won’t like what they see. ⁣

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It can be hard for many of us to think critically of our parents or our childhood. This is especially true if we grew up in a loving home with plenty of food and clothing and were never abused or mistreated. You may have some memories about what happened in your childhood, but what about what *didn’t* happen*? Because *what didn’t happen* has as much or more power over who you have become as an adult than any of those events you do remember.⁣

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No doubt, parenting is the hardest job in the world, most parents are doing their absolute best, and no one is perfect. But, to love your child is a very different thing than being in tune with your child. ⁣

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For a parent to be in tune with his child, he must be a person who is aware of and understands emotions in general. He must be observant so that he can see what his child can and can’t do as he develops. And he must be willing and able to put in the effort and energy required to truly know his child. A well-meaning parent who lacks in any one of these areas is at risk of emotionally failing his child. ⁣

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This Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is invisible, vague, hard-to-define and is rampant. It can explain many of the empty, lost, depressed feelings described at the beginning of this post. ⁣

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What’s tricky is that Emotional Neglect is so subtle, it’s barely observable. And it hides in what’s NOT THERE. ⁣

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EXAMPLES OF PARENTING STYLES THAT CAN LEAD TO CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL NEGLECT (CEN).

⇨ Anything feel familiar? ⇦⁣

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✔︎ THE WORKAHOLIC PARENT:⁣

- By putting their work first, parents send message to kid that her feelings, needs & accomplishments are of lesser importance (damaging child’s self-worth)⁣

- Some children act out to get their parents' attention, others grow up with low self-esteem⁣

- Children often grow up with privilege (don't see themselves as deprived), so they feel guilty for not being happy⁣

- The loss of a parent to divorce/death/etc is perceptible. The loss of a parent to success is invisible & vague⁣

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✔︎ THE DEPRESSED PARENT:⁣

- Child feels that he must be perfectly behaved so as not to make his parent feel worse. Grows up having difficulty making mistakes, rocking the boat, or allowing himself to be an imperfect human being⁣

- Parent has little energy, turns inward, focuses on himself & what is wrong with him⁣

- Because parent has little to give as far as comfort or encouragement, child doesn't know how to self-soothe and may turn to drugs or alcohol ⁣

- Child feels worthless and is at risk to become depressed himself⁣

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⁣ ✔︎ THE NARCISSISTIC PARENT (a whole other article will be written on this, specifically on the COVERT NARCISSISTICS):⁣

- Demand perfection from their children (because they see it as a reflection on themselves)⁣

- Child's needs are subsumed by the parent's needs (mostly the need to be seen in a flattering light by others)⁣

- Lack ability to imagine or care about what child feels (more focused on the child being successful and may not notice if child is lonely, depressed, withdrawn)⁣

- Parent takes child's behavior personally ("How could you do this to me? Everyone will think we're ... “)⁣

✔︎ THE PERMISSIVE PARENT:⁣

- Often seen as very loving and "cool" by their children, because these parents stir up very little conflict with their children⁣

- Many of these parents have discomfort with conflict themselves and simply don't say "no" enough to their kids (being momentarily hated by your child for saying no is painful)⁣

- Do not provide kids with limits, structure or a strong adult against whom they can rebel⁣

- The children grow up thinking their parents gave them every opportunity and so blame themselves for their inner struggles⁣

- Child doesn't get enough feedback from parents. They treat children like buddies instead of taking opportunities to teach them valuable lessons ⁣

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✔︎ THE HIGH FUNCTIONING ADDICTED PARENT:⁣

- These are high functioning, loving, present parents whose addictions may not even be identified by the family ⁣

- What harms the child is the parent behaves like two different people and the child cannot always predict which side of her addicted parent is going to show up (During the day mom might be kind & supportive, at night after a few drinks she may become mean & frightening)⁣

- With this unpredictable parenting, the child becomes anxious, worried & insecure⁣

- Child has that feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop⁣

- Child learns how to avoid consequences, navigate mom's moods and "play" people ⁣

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✔︎ THE WELL-MEANING-BUT-NEGLECTED-THEMSELVES PARENT:⁣

- Even the most loving and well-meaning parents can be emotionally neglectful, most probably because they themselves were emotionally neglected ⁣

- Parent may not attend to the *feeling* level of life. Mostly lives on the surface of life, not aware of or in touch with the world of emotion⁣

- Parent has blind spots about the connection between behavior, feelings, and relationships and never teaches these to the child⁣

For more, see Jonice Webb, "Running on Empty"